Nestled In Red

2008-12-18T21:49:00.001-08:00

It's been almost a year since I last logged on and a shit load of things have went down. Both of my grandmothers passed away this year which has changed my family's life dramatically. I can't put into words how much pain I'm in. I've been numb for the longest time.
The love of my life is out of town for a week and returns on christmas eve. His mother bought him a plane ticket without asking him and she threw in a side of guilt to talk him into visiting her. I understand that she is his mother and deserves to see him around the holidays....doesn't it make more sense to have a retired person travel around the country to visit relatives instead of making them request time off work and take them away from their home? I guess I'm mainly pissed at the fact that I wans't invited nor even thought of when she planned this "vacation". She needs to understand that we have been a couple for 4 years now and he is no longer single.
FUCKING MOTHER IN LAWS. GRRRRR

Say A Prayer For Them

2007-12-21T19:55:00.001-08:00

"Pulmonary Fibrosis involves scarring of the lung. Gradually, the air sacs of the lungs become replaced by fibrotic tissue. When the scar forms, the tissue becomes thicker causing an irreversible loss of the tissue’s ability to transfer oxygen into the bloodstream."

My Grandma, Genevieve, was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis today. She's been in the hospital for the past two days. Her doctor told my family that she has 6-9 months left to live.

Keep her as well as my Grandma Victoria in your prayers. They're both struggling to stay alive. These women mean the world to me, I want nothing more than for them to be ok.

Merry Christmas?

2007-12-09T23:05:00.001-08:00

It's that time of year again where everyone is filled with laughter, warmth, cheer, love....

I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be feeling right now but it seems like I have all the opposite feelings. So far all I feel is a knot in my stomach. I see people splurging on holiday decor and purchasing gifts for their loved ones without the slightest care for how much money they spend. I work and work and work and what do I have to show for that? Nothing.

This is the first Christmas without my dad. Life has dramatically changed for my family. How can I be cheerful when all I feel is pain? I don't have money to buy my loved ones the things I'd like to get for them. Everyone says Christmas is about spending time with family and it doesn't matter if you have money or not. Regardless of what I'm told, I know for a fact everyone has thought about what they're getting for Christmas and how many presents they'll receive this year. Don't act like those thoughts never cross your mind.

I don't know why but Christmas is a huge deal to me. Maybe it's because I never had a Christmas where everything I wanted was given to me and everyone was happy. The only memory that really stands out is when I was little (9 or 10 yrs old) and I heard my dad crying because he didn't have money to buy us presents that year. My uncle grabbed two presents that be bought for his daughters and gave them to my sister and I so we had something to open. It was a nice gesture but it made me feel even worse because not only did I witness my dad hurting, I also was given something that wasn't meant for me.

Why do the painful memories stick with you so clearly but the happy memories are hard to remember?

Now I'm a believer

2007-09-21T00:55:00.000-07:00

Just when you think the one you love doesn't care about you, they do the smallest thing but it warms your heart like never before. For the first time in months my bf and I have been completely in sync. We had our ups and downs but we made it.

Love is truly amazing.

God in heaven, please watch over her

2007-09-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

My grandma had a heart attack on Sunday. Due to immature bastard family members, I was informed about my grandma a few hours ago. My grandma's health is very poor and she's been getting worse as time goes by. I spoke to her 2 weeks ago and she told me it gets harder for her to breathe as time passes. When my dad passed away we were worried about what kind of effect his death would have on her. My grandma had to hold in tears because it hurt her body physically to show emotion. I would give anything to see her right now, lack of money and family members are what's keeping me from flying to Texas to see her. I'm afraid she's going to pass without all of her family being with her.

Please say a prayer for my grandma, she's a very loving, gentle, sweet woman who doesn't deserve all this pain she's enduring.

A little something I wrote

2007-09-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

On the hour, every hour

Like clockwork you would awake

Quiet cries for help stab my eardrums

A soft blanket of matting cradles my body as I lay on the floor

Violins soothe the air with veils of the sea

Visions of waves crashing against caves and teasing the sand fill my head

I catch a glimpse of you…you’re beautiful face with rosy cheeks will never be forgotten

The clock strikes twelve

Shrieks of pain cause panic and confusion

I clutch your hand and comfort you as much as I can

Your dark umber eyes pierce through my body as you try to speak

The room becomes silent as you look at me for the last time

One final deep breath escapes your body as you sink into the bed

Your hand slithers out of mine cuddling your body

Muffled screams rise around me

One…two…three…the heart never gives up

Magnets of energy pull me backwards as I grasp onto you

A sheet of ice covers your body while you seek peacefulness

Shadows of inhuman flesh lift you

Dressed in black with no where to go

Creaking wheels indent the carpet

My eyes roll upward only to find my life tucked into a coal bag

Anxiety congests my lungs while salty tears stream down my face

Life comes to a halt but never regains consciousness

My condolences.

Read this...

2007-09-12T23:08:00.001-07:00

I'm currently reading this book and I must say it's teaching me how to make my friendships/relationships better. I definitely recommend this book, even if your relationships don't need help. This book will give you an understanding of why people behave childish and how to avoid loaded questions. Pick it up, you won't be disappointed.

Shitty drivers

2007-09-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

Every time we're in the car, we almost wreck. I don't know why people think they can drive any way they want because of the car they own. Having a nice or "pimped out" car doesn't mean you're a good driver. If I were to have a video camera in my hand every time we left the house, more than half of the city's population wouldn't own a driver's license. It's frustrating because you can't enjoy being in the car. It doesn't matter how safe you are, this place is filled with idiots who don't belong behind the wheel. There should be a common sense test along with the written exam. I'm not saying I'm the best driver in the world because I'm not, the skills I lack don't affect anyone or are a danger to myself. My flaw in driving is parking, I can't park for shit. However, I do correct myself so I don't block people from getting into their cars when I'm next to them. This is something so many people don't do. Whatever happened to being courteous?

One of my biggest fears is the freeway. This is because people drive very fast and since the majority of them lack common sense, it scares the shit out of me. There you'll be, coasting on the freeway then BAM! Someone slams on the brakes even though there isn't a car in front of them. We change lanes to avoid having to brake every 10 seconds and then they speed up so we can't pass them. What the fuck is up with that? If you're not going to go faster then why keep people from passing you? Then you have the people who insist on driving right next to you because you're their "safety net". They don't realize that if the car in front of them wrecks or something happens, there's nowhere for them to go because they barricade themselves between cars. Driving isn't supposed to be stressful. People think way too much when they drive. If you let go of your grip on the wheel so your knuckles aren't white, sit back, and stop talking on the phone then you'll be ok. Cars aren't going to fly off the road, get a hold of yourselves! There are no words for the amount of frustration I have when I'm in a car. When is this going to end??? When will people open their eyes and see that accidents are caused by people not paying attention? You were given a handbook you had to study from before taking your written exam, maybe you should read it!

I thought high school ended 7 years ago?

2007-09-08T23:28:00.000-07:00

I wiped my slate clean of bad friendships and now I can finally relax and move on with my life. I don't know why people have to stir up drama and why they thrive on it but to each his own.

I'm free.

Take it or leave it

2007-09-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people question me about what I do for a living. I don't think the amount of money someone makes should be discussed between friends or family. I hate being compared to others. I've had a lot of retail jobs. So, what? I'm on my way to improving myself, instead of interrogating me, show some compassion. I understand that retail isn't a career job but they hire you with the quickness and when you're in desperate need of a job you can't really turn it down.

I hate that people judge others on how much money they make. My family has never been dirt poor but we weren't well off. Does that make me a bad person? A lot of people believe money will bring you happiness, not true. Money won't comfort you when you're down, talk your problems out with you, make love to you, confide in you....

Money is the route of all evil. Go ahead and say I support that statement because I don't have any but think what you want. In the end, you'll be left with a shit load of loneliness and I will be rich on love.

Um, what?

2007-09-01T02:21:00.001-07:00

Darkness faded...an empty hallway in a huge house became visible. As I rubbed my eyes with hopes of being able to see clearly, I found myself in the living room of a two-story house. The entire house had wooden floors and white walls with very little light. I walked down a hallway intrigued to find out where I was when I overheard a couple arguing about who was going to feed their child. The screams were coming from upstairs but the woman appeared behind me with a bottle for her baby. She rushed past me and made her way up the stairs in a hurry. I headed towards the staircase as I took another look around to see where I was. I felt at home and I knew where everything was but I had never seen this house before. My body led me upstairs and to the last bedroom on the right. The room was the size of three bedrooms put together and decorated with modern furniture. On the bed sat my current boyfriend who had the face of my ex. I laid down on the bed and he got on top of me and started grinding his body against mine. A million forces of energy flowed through my body as he moved in deeper. I couldn't handle the feeling anymore and I needed him inside me that second. He pulled away and shot cupfuls of cum into my mouth, the combination of taste and texture made me gag. Salt and mint scraped my taste buds when my stomach started to contract as all the cum came back out of my mouth. My body was moving around as if there was a tsunami in my stomach. I began to heave as I held on to a chair hoping it would keep me stable. I could feel warm liquids building in the back of my throat when all of a sudden a peach colored sea shell came out of my mouth. I examined the sea shell and realized it was an ash tray. I handed it to my boyfriend and woke up hunched over on my bed trying to keep myself from puking up my insides.

Crazy shit.

I think we may have an answer...

2007-08-31T17:54:00.000-07:00

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods or earthquakes.

People with PTSD may startle easily, become emotionally numb (especially in relation to people with whom they used to be close), lose interest in things they used to enjoy, have trouble feeling affectionate, be irritable, become more aggressive, or even become violent. They avoid situations that remind them of the original incident, and anniversaries of the incident are often very difficult. PTSD symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was deliberately initiated by another person, as in a mugging or a kidnapping. Most people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in their thoughts during the day and in nightmares when they sleep. These are called flashbacks. Flashbacks may consist of images, sounds, smells, or feelings, and are often triggered by ordinary occurrences, such as a door slamming or a car backfiring on the street. A person having a flashback may lose touch with reality and believe that the traumatic incident is happening all over again.

Not every traumatized person develops full-blown or even minor PTSD. Symptoms usually begin within 3 months of the incident but occasionally emerge years afterward. They must last more than a month to be considered PTSD. The course of the illness varies. Some people recover within 6 months, while others have symptoms that last much longer. In some people, the condition becomes chronic.

Total eclipse of the heart

2007-08-28T19:00:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures we took of the eclipse...

Half eclipse:

Full eclipse:

Back to half eclipse:

I find it amusing that the closest pictures we took are from outside our apartment but we went to the boonies to get "good" pictures of the full eclipse.

Bert's voice has the power to give me multiple orgasms

2007-08-27T22:12:00.000-07:00

Deep affection

2007-08-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

What is the meaning of "love"? Is it when you care about someone so much you can't be away from them longer than 8 hours? Is it when your heart jumps in your throat every time they kiss or hug you? Does the amount of years you've been with someone define love? I've heard that people use the term too "loosely". I somewhat agree with that but that doesn't mean I wouldn't mind hearing someone tell me they love me. Do those three little words really need to be said to prove how much you care about someone? Where did that word come from? What makes that word so special that it has to be said and if it's not said, does this mean you're not loved? I wanted to be like all my friends who have their bf's calling them all the time and telling them how much they love them. I have someone who is such a good person and who I can't be without. He has proved to me that he cares about me deeply so why am I bothered by this? If he were to tell me he loves me, would I get tired of hearing it? These are all questions I don't think anyone could answer. I look back on this and realize that I don't need to be told things that everyone else is. I have something that is unique and special. I wouldn't give that up for anything, not even three little words.

On-site manager

2007-08-24T02:43:00.001-07:00

Who is this sad little woman? Why does she dress like she just came from a brothel? I wonder if she has ever experienced what this city has to offer. Everyday when I leave the apartment she's either outside fiddling with the garbage cans or talking to her cat. When I come home, she's quick to check who's coming up the stairs. I sometimes feel bad for this lonely person but the majority of the time I wish she would get a life.

We were given a set of rules we have to abide by while we live in this apartment. Has this woman ever read any of the rules she expects us to follow? She is the loudest person I have ever met. The first week we lived here, we were ready to push her ass down the stairs every time we saw her. At 7:00am every morning we were woken up by her pounding on the walls and vacuuming. Vacuuming at 7:00am???? After she stomped around her apartment for a few hours, she gets ready to leave. How do I know she's getting ready to leave? She stands by her front door with a huge set of keys and fiddles around for what I don't know but it sounds like she's throwing her key set at her doorknob. She opens her front door and slams it so hard, my whole apartment shakes. Finally, there's a moment of silence but before I could enjoy it, I hear her "come fuck me" heels clanking towards the staircase and slowly down each step. Clank...clank...clank...OMG!

I have seriously thought about putting a personal ad out for her so someone can fuck her and maybe shut her ass up. She used to live next door to us but she recently moved across from us. Great. Now we have to see her every time we open our door. The noise hasn't stopped nor do I think it ever will.

To the woman who lives across from us:
Get a life and stay the fuck out of ours. I hate that you exist and I'm constantly kicking myself in the ass for believing I got a good deal when the lease was signed. Please stop dressing like a hooker. I have my own tits, I don't need to see yours. I hope you someday find someone or something that will keep you from pressing your face against your kitchen window and watching our every move. Until then...please leave us alone and stop looking in our apartment every time we open the door.

How to be a better boyfriend 101

2007-08-22T16:53:00.000-07:00

It's official...I am no longer a blog virgin.

What will my first entry be about? BOYFRIEND SCHOOL. There should seriously be a place where guys can be taught what to/not to do when they have a gf. There probably is some sort of training out there but I bet it only teaches men how to be even more oblivious to their loved ones feelings and gives them advice on how to get laid regardless of what mood their gf is in.

Where did my inspiration come from you ask? My darling bf. He's a good guy, don't get me wrong. He still does things without thinking about who his actions will affect though. Everyone makes mistakes but after being with someone for over 3 years, you should know by now the things you need to avoid. Women are not the ones who are complicated, so don't try to blame us. Communication is the key factor here. A simple phone call can make a HUGE difference. So, all of you bfs out there that live with your gf...call your girl if you're going to be late or you want to go chill with your friends for a while after work! Don't think of it as "checking in", it's called being courteous.

When you actually do call your gf and your friends are around, don't talk to her like she's just some random person. Who gives a shit what your friends think of you sweet talking your lady. The friends who give you shit, try to influence you to ignore your gf, & do things they know will piss her off are jealous of the fact that you have a gf and they want someone who will love them too. Don't be afraid to stand up to your buddies when you're in love. You don't go home to your buddies, right? Why would you want to piss off the one you share a bed with then? Think before you act! These are simple guidelines, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to be in a good relationship. If you think about it, relationships aren't hard work. People make them hard by acting like dumb fucks.

This concludes the first lesson in Boyfriend School. There definitely will be more lessons to come so stay tuned!