Merry Christmas?

It's that time of year again where everyone is filled with laughter, warmth, cheer, love....

I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be feeling right now but it seems like I have all the opposite feelings. So far all I feel is a knot in my stomach. I see people splurging on holiday decor and purchasing gifts for their loved ones without the slightest care for how much money they spend. I work and work and work and what do I have to show for that? Nothing.

This is the first Christmas without my dad. Life has dramatically changed for my family. How can I be cheerful when all I feel is pain? I don't have money to buy my loved ones the things I'd like to get for them. Everyone says Christmas is about spending time with family and it doesn't matter if you have money or not. Regardless of what I'm told, I know for a fact everyone has thought about what they're getting for Christmas and how many presents they'll receive this year. Don't act like those thoughts never cross your mind.

I don't know why but Christmas is a huge deal to me. Maybe it's because I never had a Christmas where everything I wanted was given to me and everyone was happy. The only memory that really stands out is when I was little (9 or 10 yrs old) and I heard my dad crying because he didn't have money to buy us presents that year. My uncle grabbed two presents that be bought for his daughters and gave them to my sister and I so we had something to open. It was a nice gesture but it made me feel even worse because not only did I witness my dad hurting, I also was given something that wasn't meant for me.

Why do the painful memories stick with you so clearly but the happy memories are hard to remember?