It's been almost a year since I last logged on and a shit load of things have went down. Both of my grandmothers passed away this year which has changed my family's life dramatically. I can't put into words how much pain I'm in. I've been numb for the longest time.
The love of my life is out of town for a week and returns on christmas eve. His mother bought him a plane ticket without asking him and she threw in a side of guilt to talk him into visiting her. I understand that she is his mother and deserves to see him around the holidays....doesn't it make more sense to have a retired person travel around the country to visit relatives instead of making them request time off work and take them away from their home? I guess I'm mainly pissed at the fact that I wans't invited nor even thought of when she planned this "vacation". She needs to understand that we have been a couple for 4 years now and he is no longer single.
FUCKING MOTHER IN LAWS. GRRRRR

Say A Prayer For Them

"Pulmonary Fibrosis involves scarring of the lung. Gradually, the air sacs of the lungs become replaced by fibrotic tissue. When the scar forms, the tissue becomes thicker causing an irreversible loss of the tissue’s ability to transfer oxygen into the bloodstream."

My Grandma, Genevieve, was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis today. She's been in the hospital for the past two days. Her doctor told my family that she has 6-9 months left to live.

Keep her as well as my Grandma Victoria in your prayers. They're both struggling to stay alive. These women mean the world to me, I want nothing more than for them to be ok.

Merry Christmas?

It's that time of year again where everyone is filled with laughter, warmth, cheer, love....

I don't know if that's what I'm supposed to be feeling right now but it seems like I have all the opposite feelings. So far all I feel is a knot in my stomach. I see people splurging on holiday decor and purchasing gifts for their loved ones without the slightest care for how much money they spend. I work and work and work and what do I have to show for that? Nothing.

This is the first Christmas without my dad. Life has dramatically changed for my family. How can I be cheerful when all I feel is pain? I don't have money to buy my loved ones the things I'd like to get for them. Everyone says Christmas is about spending time with family and it doesn't matter if you have money or not. Regardless of what I'm told, I know for a fact everyone has thought about what they're getting for Christmas and how many presents they'll receive this year. Don't act like those thoughts never cross your mind.

I don't know why but Christmas is a huge deal to me. Maybe it's because I never had a Christmas where everything I wanted was given to me and everyone was happy. The only memory that really stands out is when I was little (9 or 10 yrs old) and I heard my dad crying because he didn't have money to buy us presents that year. My uncle grabbed two presents that be bought for his daughters and gave them to my sister and I so we had something to open. It was a nice gesture but it made me feel even worse because not only did I witness my dad hurting, I also was given something that wasn't meant for me.

Why do the painful memories stick with you so clearly but the happy memories are hard to remember?

Now I'm a believer

Just when you think the one you love doesn't care about you, they do the smallest thing but it warms your heart like never before. For the first time in months my bf and I have been completely in sync. We had our ups and downs but we made it.

Love is truly amazing.

God in heaven, please watch over her

My grandma had a heart attack on Sunday. Due to immature bastard family members, I was informed about my grandma a few hours ago. My grandma's health is very poor and she's been getting worse as time goes by. I spoke to her 2 weeks ago and she told me it gets harder for her to breathe as time passes. When my dad passed away we were worried about what kind of effect his death would have on her. My grandma had to hold in tears because it hurt her body physically to show emotion. I would give anything to see her right now, lack of money and family members are what's keeping me from flying to Texas to see her. I'm afraid she's going to pass without all of her family being with her.

Please say a prayer for my grandma, she's a very loving, gentle, sweet woman who doesn't deserve all this pain she's enduring.

A little something I wrote

On the hour, every hour

Like clockwork you would awake

Quiet cries for help stab my eardrums

A soft blanket of matting cradles my body as I lay on the floor

Violins soothe the air with veils of the sea

Visions of waves crashing against caves and teasing the sand fill my head

I catch a glimpse of you…you’re beautiful face with rosy cheeks will never be forgotten

The clock strikes twelve

Shrieks of pain cause panic and confusion

I clutch your hand and comfort you as much as I can

Your dark umber eyes pierce through my body as you try to speak

The room becomes silent as you look at me for the last time

One final deep breath escapes your body as you sink into the bed

Your hand slithers out of mine cuddling your body

Muffled screams rise around me

One…two…three…the heart never gives up

Magnets of energy pull me backwards as I grasp onto you

A sheet of ice covers your body while you seek peacefulness

Shadows of inhuman flesh lift you

Dressed in black with no where to go

Creaking wheels indent the carpet

My eyes roll upward only to find my life tucked into a coal bag

Anxiety congests my lungs while salty tears stream down my face

Life comes to a halt but never regains consciousness

My condolences.

Read this...

I'm currently reading this book and I must say it's teaching me how to make my friendships/relationships better. I definitely recommend this book, even if your relationships don't need help. This book will give you an understanding of why people behave childish and how to avoid loaded questions. Pick it up, you won't be disappointed.